Could you proof read and check my essay? It a "Remembering Essay" based on a memory.?

The Battle of the Bands


I awoke to our auxiliary coordinator Ms. Perkins saying, “Wake Up! We are at Legion Field!” So I sat up from the bumpy, uncomfortable, two hour long bus ride and adjusted my eyes to the scenery. The other girls were slowing waking up from the long nap we just took. Everyone was taking their time until Ms. Perkins yelled, “Five minutes!” So I put on my shiny gold head band, straightened out the back of my glittery black and gold uniform, slid on my dance shoes and wrapped my cape around me so the crowd could not see my beautiful uniform until it was time. J.O. Johnson’s High School band and auxiliary was about to participate in the Battle of the Bands, a competition in Birmingham, Alabama that bands all over the country come to compete in. This competition judges bands on style, creativity, energy and overall performance.


As I walked into the stadium with everyone else, fear overcame me. I was a member of the Jaguarettes, which is a dance team. We have been consistently practicing our routine everyday leading up to the competition, and we had the dance perfect. However, now that day had finally arrived, and something didn’t feel right. “What if I mess up? I asked myself. “What if they mess up? I forced myself to release these thoughts from my head. I needed something to clear my mind if I was going to put on a spectacular show. Little did I know, we were the next band to go perform.


We lined up on the sideline of the football field and watched the band do their field show. As I stood there, I noticed how slick the grass was under my feet. That made me even more nervous. “What if I fall? What if they fall?” I asked myself. Our captain glanced over and told everyone to smile. So we all tried our hardest to force a smile on our face. The band continued to perform and it got closer and closer to our segment of the show. Before I knew it, they were lining up to play our song. It was time for our performance.


The music began, so I threw off my cape and danced into my spot on the field. I had to make everything perfect because I was right in the middle of the front row. So there I was hitting every more sharp and precise remembering to kick really high in the kick line and make the big finish I had just learned yesterday as powerful and dramatic as possible. We did great! No one even messed up. The applause echoed throughout the stadium. Afterward, we strutted to dance block to do the hype part of the show. The band played all the latest songs, and we did all the newest dances. The crowd loved us, but would the judges?


As we awaited our scores, the other bands encouraged their group by screaming chants and dancing. So we did the same and I enjoyed it. I looked around and saw everyone talking, laughing and eating snacks from the concession stand. That helped me realize that this event seemed more like a social gathering than a competition. Time passed and a man’s voice came on the intercom and said, “Could a representative from each band please report to the field?” It was finally time to hear the results and we were so excited! My heart started racing as they had begun to announce the winners of each award. Each name they called was not Johnson High School. I was starting to lose hope. We had practiced so much and now I thought we were not going to get any kind of reward. Then, the announcer said “And the award for best dance team goes to…the J.O. Johnson High School dance team!” I was so shocked! “Best dance team?” I asked myself. “Is he serious?” We all jumped up and cheered so loud. I was very happy and proud of myself. I didn’t think we could do it, but we did and we were the best.


We were awarded a gigantic trophy that said “First Place Dance Team in the Double A Division”. Our band was also honored as having the “Best Drum Majors” and “Best Percussion Section” This event left me feeling extremely exhilarated, accomplished and confident. I had finally overcome my fear of performing in front of big crowds. I used to always second guess my talent. However, I have proved to myself that I have the ability to perform as a member of an award winning dance team.

Could you proof read and check my essay? It a %26quot;Remembering Essay%26quot; based on a memory.?
ask your teacher
Reply:nice story, but is this really the right place to post it? It is a little long.
Reply:Don%26#039;t pay attention to the others, its always ok to ask for someone else to proofread something for you.





Sounds pretty good.





One punctuation error. Remove the comma in the sentence %26quot;Little did I know, we were the next band to go perform%26quot;.
Reply:I like it, it%26#039;s definitely a good essay. You have excellent voice with your writing, it is almost as if I can imagine the tension that%26#039;s going through you and your teammates as you wait to see if you win. I think you can improve on transitions in between paragraphs, it almost seemed as that whole thing could be just one paragraph and you can work on adding more vocabulary to enhance to quality of the writing. Overall it was very good though.
Reply:You seem to have your tense sequence wrong in this sentence:





*We have been consistently practicing our routine everyday *leading up to the competition, and we had the dance perfect.





It should be %26quot;We had been consistently practicing%26quot;.





And here





*“What if I mess up? I asked myself. “What if they mess up?





you need to close your quotation after both question marks.





Not sure whyt this is supposed to mean:





*So there I was hitting every more sharp





This here





*Afterward, we strutted





needs an extra s for Afterwards





*the other bands encouraged their group





should be %26quot;groupS%26quot;





Another problem with tenses:





*My heart started racing as they had begun





should be %26quot;as they began%26quot;





And again:





*I didn’t think we could do it, but we did





should be %26quot;I hadn%26#039;t thought%26quot; because you are describing how you felt before the announcement came











Sounds like you had fun!
Reply:You have a lot of mistakes.


Pay attention to past and present tense.


I got kind of confused while reading.


And you need to proofread for minor mistakes.


For example, in the third sentence, it should


read %26#039;slowly%26#039; instead of %26#039;slowing.%26#039;


I%26#039;d correct your whole paper..but it would


take too long.





Take the advice of the person above me.


You also need to pay attention to..


run-on sentences. And you include


unnecessary descriptions.
Reply:no



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