I have a Book that I am writing. What do you think I should Title it?

This is the Book. Anything come to you?


Preface





I focused on nothing but the rheumatic pattern of my breathing. In and out. Inhale and exhale. I was vastly petrified. He walked toward me with a shady smile on his face. I awaited agony and pain.


There was no warmth or bliss. The caring features vanished and turned into harsh, cold structures. How terribly I grieved to be safe in his arms. In his arms. I knew that he was gone as much as I knew that this would be hurtful.


He took a step forward balancing all of his weight on one foot and smiled in the way that made me cringe, then, he lunged.

















Chapter One


Acquaintance





Sixteen.


Perfect age, right. Wrong. This is when everything starts to change. Especially for me. Feelings are more sensitive. Sensitive. I really wished that word didn’t exist. It hurts. I used to be sensitive.





The alarm clock went off and I rose up in my bed. At first I had to think. Where am I? I remembered. Lushe. I just moved from Florida to an old, deserted Indian town called Lushe. How much I long to be back in Florida with my sister Carol. We had it great in Florida. Beaching it every day. We were inseparable. Many people don’t get to have that kind of relationship with their sisters. Then Dad had to step into the perfect picture. It’s like he just took the picture, ripped it into tons of little pieces, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it.


Dad thought that it would be great if I spent a little time with him and Grandpapa Frank. After Mom died I do have to say that I’ve been moping, but I was doing just fine with Carol. Now, I’m moping more than ever.


I got up from the bed and put on my bunny slippers. This is going to be a long day. I raced down the stairs and opened the pantry. I got out some eggs, milk and flour. As soon as I poured them in a bowl, Dad came in.


“Did you sleep well? I heard you tossing and turning all night.” he said with a worried look on his face.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “just a bad dream.” I finished, great save.


“Oh, okay. Well, can you make me a muffin too. I’m starving.” he threw in there. He walked out of the room.


“I’m making pancakes.” I shouted back.


“Yeah, right. Okay.” he replied. I suppose he just wanted something to eat.


We sat down at the dining table and I watched Dad cram food into his mouth.


“Do you think that you’re going to like school? I hear there are some great people over there. There’s this one kid, Grace. Yeah, her family runs a Beauty Boutique down by Claw River. Maybe you could make friends with her.” he said between bites.


“Yeah, okay.” I said.


“Honey, you really need to get out more, and I think that school is just the right thing for you. Thank goodness it’s nine months.” he finished after one bite as big as three bites for me.


“Mmm hmm.” I nodded like I was listening to every word he said.


“We better go.” he got up from the table and scraped the remains of the pancakes into the trashcan with his fork and grabbed his keys from the table.


“Stop being dejected and get your butt in the car.” Dad shouted from the front door.


I groaned. The pancakes didn’t put Dad in the best mood I thought that they would.





“C’mon Macie, it’s not gonna be that bad! You’ll have fun! Meet some new people, you need to have some fun. You’ve been so…..” my Dad paused at that, “so…….mopey.”


“I’ve not been mopey!” I shouted. I think that I shouted a little too sharply.


“Get in the car.” he said. I had said it too sharply. My Dad and I were on our way to my new school. The first day of school. Maybe school would be sanctuary. Maybe Dad wouldn’t be around every corner offering me cookies and milk and comforting and those dreaded bear hugs. Maybe, just maybe I could find some real friends. Friends that weren’t in my immediate family or were from the animal race.





I reached for the radio button, but he touched the back of my hand, signaling that he wasn’t in the mood. Or I had made him too angry.


We drove past some trees and dusty buildings. My dad really did live in a dump. We passed so many shattered things. Imagine a ghost town and it was worse than that. One of the log cabins that we passed, we stopped at. It was really little. One door that was on the side and two or three windows on the back. I wondered why not in the front. Were they trying to keep the sunlight out?


I was awoken from my thought from a deep, husky voice.


“Well, hello! Long time no see! I’ve been waiting to see you since you was a little young’un.” it said.


The windows were so tinted that I had to roll down my window to get a look. I reached for the handle and twisted it downward. There stood an old man, he was much shorter than I was. In fact, he was probably shorter than a seven or an eight year old. Then I noticed why, he was in a wheelchair.


“What’s this young’un’s name again Bill?” he asked my Dad.


My dad smiled at me and then at the old man. “It’s Macie Dad.”


“Dad?” I asked my Father.


“Honey, this is your Grandpapa Frank. You’ll be spending time with him a bit.”


I was so shocked that I didn’t even notice the young looking man that walked up.


“This is my little helper, Haiden.” he smiled. “He helps out a lot around here.”


Haiden smiled and put his hand out. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Macie.” he said. I couldn’t understand why this boy was so peculiar. He spoke normal. He walked normal. He just didn’t look normal. He had dark eyes. Dark eyes. Almost black. Long, black hair put up in a ponytail. He was so big and muscular, you would think that he was an underwear model, instead of a help.


“Do you like it around here so far?” Grandpapa Frank said with a tone that made me think there was some reason we shouldn’t like it.


“It’s a lot different from Carol’s in Florida, but I’ll have to get used to it.” I said. “Thank you for letting me stay here.”


He smiled in agreement. “I’m glad to have you,” he winked in Haiden’s direction. “maybe you could help Haiden out in the garage. He could use some assistance.” He threw another glance at Haiden, who was standing innocently enough.


“She could help out if she wants, but if not, I don’t really need any. Thank you though.” he replied reluctantly.


“Well,” he said, “I best be going. I have much more work to do.” He looked straight at me then. Like he was trying to tell me something without physically speaking. “Good day, Macie.” He smiled as he walked off.


“Good day.” I said again. I looked at the clock on the car. Seven fifty-two. “Dad,” I said, now focusing on the more important things. “I’m going to be late!”


“Oh, look at the time. I am so sorry Frank, I have to go now! I’ll see you later. Macie will come by right after school! Won’t you Macie?” Dad said looking at me while he raised his eyebrows. Telling me to say yes.


“Of course I will. Right after school.” I instantly regretted saying it.





We pulled away from the driveway and headed for school. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask Dad. Why was Frank in a wheelchair? Why did Haiden act so weird? But, I decided not to ask. I would always get the same answer I always got. ‘Save em’ for the Beavers’. It was liable to come up sometime anyway.











We pulled up to it, a school that was supposed to be a school. But it really looked like an old, run down, fit for mice, factory. Or something of the sort.


I opened the door of the truck and walked on the cold uneven pavement-that was supposed to be a sidewalk-to first period. I heard some footsteps behind me. Oh no. I didn’t want Dad to follow me. He did anyway.


“Dad, I don’t need you to walk in with me like I’m some kindergartener. I’m fine on my own.” I said, while turned around completely the other way. Sure enough Dad wasn’t there. Whose steps did I hear. Everyone was already in first period. I ran to class.


I had hoped that I would meet some nice acquaintances and talk some friendly talks. I was wrong. You know how it’s the first day of school and all the teachers make you stand up in front of the class and give a brief description of, what you’re name is, what your favorite color is, blah, blah, blah. I hope I don’t have many teachers like that here. I am not so talented in front of people. I walked up to Mr. Barren’s class and sat down. Mr. Barren was plump. He had a mustache that grew down to his bottom chin and his desk looked like a raccoon had a party on it.


“Good morning Class.” he boomed.


Silence.


“I said, Good morning Class.” he boomed again, repeating his words.


“Good Morning Mr. Barren.” said a group of obviously not amused kids. I don’t think they wanted to be here as much as I didn’t.


“Students, I am going to go down row by row and you tell me and the class your name. Ready,”


Oh no. I can’t do this. This is going to be horrible.


“My name is Grace Rinie.” said the girl in front of me. That‘s who Dad must have been talking about. “Hello everyone.”


Why couldn’t I be like her?


Mr. Barren focused his eyes on me. “Yes, go ahead.” he said.





I stood up and got to my feet. I could feel that horrible nauseated pain in the pit of my stomach.


“H-he-hello. M-my n-name is,” I looked up at the twenty-five kids staring at me with un-amused faces. “m-my n-name is..”


“Go ahead,” Mr. Barren told me again, getting agitated. “we all want to hear.”


I had the feeling in my stomach again. I felt like I was going to cough. My head spun and everything went swirling. Then, everything went black.





I listened to a high pitched, crackly voice coming just a few feet away from me.


“I think that she had quite a mess out there.” the voice said. “Her blood pressure is up high. I don’t think she needs to stay in school for the rest of the day. She needs her rest.”


I was wondering who she was talking to.


“I’ll take her home.” said a beautiful tone. I thought that it couldn’t even begin to be a voice of a human. It was just too graceful. The voice was like the ocean, like the heaven’s angels. I already loved the voice-even though I had no idea whose it actually belonged to. Someone picked me up with one arm, put me over their shoulder and carried me out the door. Before I knew it, I was at my truck. But, how did they know it was my car?


I opened my eyes and saw the most beautiful figure that I ever thought was possible. He had black hair, short cut and shimmering in the sunlight. But, when I looked at him, it wasn’t just his hair shimmering, but his whole body was shimmering in the light. Beautiful eyes, no wait beautiful doesn’t even begin to cover it. Picturesque eyes. Gorgeous little things. I saw all of this while in his arms. Remember that I don’t even know this beautiful little devil’s name.


“Is this your car?” he said. I was so drowned in his beauty, he had to say it again, before I could hear him. My ears weren’t in command with my eyes.


“I said, is this your car?” he said again with a smile on his face. He was probably used to all this attention, he seemed to be enjoying it.


“Yes.” I managed to get out of my almost stunned mouth.


“Are you okay.” he turned the corners of his mouth into a smile. (by the way, gorgeous smile)


Here we go again with the-having to say it twice before I noticed that his dazzling mouth said anything with that heaven’s angels voice-thing.


“I think so. How did you know that this was my car?” I asked, puzzled still.


He didn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to.





Here I was, in my car, with a total and complete stranger driving me to my house. Who is also driving me home. I’m going to have to tell him where I live in a few minutes. Or will he just magically know that also.


“I haven’t seen you around here before, Macie. Are you knew?” the stranger asked.


He looked at me long and hard. The way Haiden had. It frightened me. It was like they were trying to bear deep into my soul. Like they were trying to get answers to a question that I had no idea what the solution was, but if they looked long enough, they would find out.


“Hello.” he said while waving his hand back and forth in front of my face. “Are you going to pass out again?”


He knocked me back into consciousness. “How do you know my name?” I asked. He knew that too.


“Oh,” he said. He paused and got that same look on his face. This scared me also, for he was driving. Another thing that almost made me pass out was the speed at which he was driving at. I could see nothing but a blur of green and brown. Just like the little fiasco this morning.


“Yes, how do you know me?” I said again. Getting agitated at him.


He didn’t answer my needed question. I turned and faced the window. When I looked out, I say my Grandpapa’s house. This bothered me, for he knew where I lived. Glancing up at him, I noticed that it was a risk. His face was pale and his eyes were dark. I took this as a “get out” sign.


I stepped out of my truck and into my Grand papa’s driveway. I turned to shut the door only to find the open air.
































Chapter Two


Thoughts





“Macie!” I heard my name being called from behind me. I was so startled at the recent disaster that I had to think before I turned around.


“Macie! When did you get here?” Haiden asked, like we’d been friends forever.


“Huh? Oh, whatever it doesn’t matter. Did you see my car anywhere?” I said, wondering why my car wasn’t here.


“You car? I didn’t see any car? Didn’t you walk?” He replied looking blankly.


“Walk, no! I didn’t walk.” I noticed that I sounded a little out of mind, even though he was the one that was wholly wrong. “So, you really didn’t see my truck here just a few seconds ago?” I said, catching my downfall of ignorance.


“No. Macie, are you okay? I heard that you took a fall in class today. I can take you home since, you obviously have no truck.” he smiled a warm smile.


“No, I guess I was just delusional.” I said, saving myself.


Haiden turned the corners of his mouth into a smile. “Come on inside. I’m sure that Frank- Er, your Grandpapa would like to see you too.” he replied.


“Okay.” He put his hands in his pockets and led me into Grandpapa’s house.





“Macie! Hello dear!” Grandpapa said and gave me one of dad’s dreaded bear hugs. Apparently I’d been missed deeply.


“High Grandpapa. I didn’t notice that you missed me so much. Really, I’ve never even known you.” I said with a smile.


“Ha!” Grandpapa found this funny. He threw his head back and laughed a deep laugh. His laugh made me feel warm inside. Just knowing that someone is happy in life. Even in a wheelchair. “I’m sure that you’ve never met God either, but he loves you.”


He touched the tip of my nose with his fingertip.


“So, would you like anything to eat squirt.” he said. For a second, I thought that he was talking to Haiden until Haiden spoke up and asked me what I wanted.


“Oh, no thank you, I better just wait until Dad gets home and eat with him. He might get hungry.” I said, hoping that he wouldn’t feel sorry that I hadn’t had anything to eat all day.


“Alright then.” Haiden stopped talking to me and turned to Grandpapa. “If so, can I have permission to take your little princess out and show her something?” Haiden asked smiling the whole time.


“Well yeah, sure. You kids have fun now. Bye Macie, Haiden.” He nodded once and went into the sitting room.





We passed many trees. The ground was wet and cold, for it had just rained. I could hear the slosh of the mud between our shoes as we walked. It was damp and chilly. We were walking along a stone trail in the middle of nowhere. Haiden was babbling along the way. He was talking about childhood and Frank and many other things that I just nodded my head and said “mm hmm” in all the correct places.


“Look.” Haiden pointed his finger to a tree that seemed different than all of the other trees in the forest. This tree had a wide trunk and weeping leaves, but in the wrong spot to be a weeping willow.


Haiden patted the spot next to him as he sat down on the bench in front of the tree. “Come and sit. Don’t worry, I won’t bite.” he said looking fulfilled. I could have swore that he said something under his breath, but, the wind drowned out his voice.

I have a Book that I am writing. What do you think I should Title it?
From what you have written so far, it reads to me like you are going to go into the Indian, shape-shifter, shaman things, though of course I don't really know because there isn't enough here to be sure.





Personally, unless you are Indian, I hope you don't go that route; it's better left alone. If you are Indian you won't do it anyway, you would know better... if anyone were around to tell you.





If I am totally in the wrong, please accept my apology, and let's take a look at what you've written. It's always best to go back and take a look at things whenever the words stop crowding out; seemingly on their own sometimes, huh.





You need to re-write; there are confusing passages for the reader, and the usual typos and things. Try to put yourself in the mind of a reader seeing this work for the very first time and read it that way.





For me, I didn't know who was talking-- who the "he" was that was being referred to-- a few too many times. Once is too many really, but you have a few times here.





And why does Macie seem interested in knowing something and then tune it out completely? Why is she so resistant to her dad's hugs? What would keep a person from seeing a wheel chair right away? Does or did she have a car or a truck? Things like that, you see?





I suppose some questions will be answered later (hoping), but the flips between talking about a car and then a truck, the beginning of description on a walk to the tree with Haiden and then no description at all, the blind spots about the wheel chair, gaps in missing Carol... I don't know, somethings are just puzzling, to say the least.





Still, I AM interested in the story, so that is very good. You have left some tantalizing starts out there. Sorry, I don't know what you should title it, except 'Working Title,' since it's not very far along yet. Don't worry about a title yet.





Just keep on writing to your heart's content! Luck...
Reply:I think a great title would be Tuned, or something like that. Or you could try a different approach and use the major protagonist or antagonist's name or the culture of the major character. You could also use a special event or setting. I hope that gives you some ideas. Report It

Reply:I would have to have more to get a gist of what a good title would be! Keep on writing!





Happy Thanksgiving!
Reply:Barren - the monster
Reply:Breathless


Inhale


Exhale


Frost


the last breath


I took the last breath








tell me what you think thanks


oh and omg! awesome writing, im loving it
Reply:Sensitive Shadow








the book needs work. it has a strong voice, yes, but you need to add more pictureesque things like metaphors, similes, allusions. you need to show us scenes and describe a little more. don't over do these things but do them. Google the "Elements of Fiction" and make sure you are including them to be successful. gl.
Reply:It sounds more like a diary entry than a book



flower